So it's Saturday morning and I have finally decided to mark off "cleaning the house" from my to do list. This particular task has been staring at me every day for about
3 weeks and me being the busy bachelor with no roomate...it became evident my house was not going to clean itself.
So I did some laundry..loaded the dishwasher..took a nap, unload the laudry, took another nap and then I remembered the sayings of several wise women in my life, "Men straighten up, Women clean!" So after hearing that and asking them what separated the two? They almost always said, "Dust...use cleaner...actualy scrub stuff...make it smell pretty."
So instead of doing the normal guy thing...just spraying my house with an entire bottle of Febreeze, I decided to actualy "clean my house". It was short lived...
As I was dusting an end table, I moved a lamp and noticed what looked like a black dress sock hanging on the lamp cord. Now, if I had not shaken the bad habit of kicking of my shoes and socks that would be one thing. But that's not the case , so I looked closer...closer, closer and then I noticed THE SOCK MOVED! Holy Crap, it moved. What was it...
a stinkin BAT!
Yes, you heard me correctly. I had a real live bat hanging upside down from a lamp cord in my living room. How on God's green earth did a bat get into my house?? One can only guess, but I was not thinking about that now...I was thinking how can I get this thing out of my house?
So being the fearless stud that I am...I took immediate action.
I slowly unplugged the lamp with one hand and grabbed the lamp with the other...and slowly
ok now let me explain what I mean here by slowly..I mean it took me 10 minutes to go 5 feet all the while clinching by ass cheeks as tight as they'd possibly go and holding my breathe at the same time.
I remembered in school that bats are blind and use sonar to determine when they are coming closer to something..it's how they navigate. So I am
factoring this into my steady movement..making sure to stay equi-distant to both sides of the furniture, the door frame etc . I layed down the lamp with the bat still hanging there next to my front stoop just outside my front door.
The bat sensing some movement and waking up some...opened it's mouth and hissed at me.It had teeth...and the face was grey with little white hairs.
I peed on myself a little bit.
It was in direct sunlight and so I'm thinking to myself, " Dracula can't stand the sunlight", so I went in and got a towel. ( hush, you were thinking the same thing) so I hung the towl over where the lamp was to provide some shade for it. I went in the house and spent the rest of the day trying to get over a pulled sphincter. Yes, It turns out you can pull your rear end. Just lovely.
Later on, I had some friends come in from out of town and when they arrived, I told them about the experience and took them to where the bat was. I noticed it had moved...it was on the side of the porch now..and it was awake. It walked up until it was on the flat steps, it opened its wings and took off into the night...wight there in front of me and my buddies.
So, since I am an educated man who learns from my experiences and since I had several beverages to help me clear my mind, I decided to ponder the lessons of the day while on my 10th drink. Here they are:
1. You can pull your sphincter.
2. Bats are as scary as I remembered them in Scooby Doo.
3. Never dust your house...ever.
Here's to my first blog ever. Hopefully I won't have to injure myself every time I write.
3 weeks and me being the busy bachelor with no roomate...it became evident my house was not going to clean itself.
So I did some laundry..loaded the dishwasher..took a nap, unload the laudry, took another nap and then I remembered the sayings of several wise women in my life, "Men straighten up, Women clean!" So after hearing that and asking them what separated the two? They almost always said, "Dust...use cleaner...actualy scrub stuff...make it smell pretty."
So instead of doing the normal guy thing...just spraying my house with an entire bottle of Febreeze, I decided to actualy "clean my house". It was short lived...
As I was dusting an end table, I moved a lamp and noticed what looked like a black dress sock hanging on the lamp cord. Now, if I had not shaken the bad habit of kicking of my shoes and socks that would be one thing. But that's not the case , so I looked closer...closer, closer and then I noticed THE SOCK MOVED! Holy Crap, it moved. What was it...
a stinkin BAT!
Yes, you heard me correctly. I had a real live bat hanging upside down from a lamp cord in my living room. How on God's green earth did a bat get into my house?? One can only guess, but I was not thinking about that now...I was thinking how can I get this thing out of my house?
So being the fearless stud that I am...I took immediate action.
I slowly unplugged the lamp with one hand and grabbed the lamp with the other...and slowly
I remembered in school that bats are blind and use sonar to determine when they are coming closer to something..it's how they navigate. So I am
factoring this into my steady movement..making sure to stay equi-distant to both sides of the furniture, the door frame etc . I layed down the lamp with the bat still hanging there next to my front stoop just outside my front door.
The bat sensing some movement and waking up some...opened it's mouth and hissed at me.It had teeth...and the face was grey with little white hairs.
I peed on myself a little bit.
It was in direct sunlight and so I'm thinking to myself, " Dracula can't stand the sunlight", so I went in and got a towel. ( hush, you were thinking the same thing) so I hung the towl over where the lamp was to provide some shade for it. I went in the house and spent the rest of the day trying to get over a pulled sphincter. Yes, It turns out you can pull your rear end. Just lovely.
Later on, I had some friends come in from out of town and when they arrived, I told them about the experience and took them to where the bat was. I noticed it had moved...it was on the side of the porch now..and it was awake. It walked up until it was on the flat steps, it opened its wings and took off into the night...wight there in front of me and my buddies.
So, since I am an educated man who learns from my experiences and since I had several beverages to help me clear my mind, I decided to ponder the lessons of the day while on my 10th drink. Here they are:
1. You can pull your sphincter.
2. Bats are as scary as I remembered them in Scooby Doo.
3. Never dust your house...ever.
Here's to my first blog ever. Hopefully I won't have to injure myself every time I write.
